He's moved out of home which I guess is good, but where he's moved to has worried me a bit.

Something else worried me about the email too, it dunno, this weird animosity in it upset me.

When we last spoke on the phone he was really freaked out about his relationship and I was freaked about mine.

He shared something personal with me and I shared my feelings about why I was freaked out too.

For anyone that reads this a bit you will know that sometimes a worry that maybe things are moving too fast between G and I, and what would happen if I wanted to go home for good or something? Basically I just worry about doing the right thing by G and its a sensitive topic to me.

My friend started the email by asking how my "Husband" was, and I dont know, I just thought that was in bad taste because of what I expressed to him and I got upset about it.

He then went on the talk about the "Schoolfriends" site that we found some of our highschool friends on and how he hoped all the popular people that are now married and divorced and miserable in few years time and how he wondered why we were ever friends with the guy I was excited to find. He figured it was because I had a crush on him. But the words he used were really harsh and I was surprised by it.

I suppose when we are together we can be a bit bitchy in a playful way, we tend to laugh at others expense a lot. Maybe he was trying to reconnect with me on that level but I dont know, it sounded overly harsh and bitter.

I was shocked.

And he said that he and his brother dont speak much anymore which is sad because they used to be close and we used to be a big group all together. We used to all go on holidays together.

I sent an email back saying that Im a bit sensitive about the G thing and that I thought maybe he was being a bit harsh about people we used to go to school with.

I hope he doesnt get mad. Fuck I know it sound dumbs because its a small thing, but Im really shaken by this. The moving, the joking about my "problem", the animosity toward people at school, it doesnt sound like him.....Im upset about it.

I smoked what was to realy be my last cigarette this afternoon, but after reading the email I walked down to the shop and bought a new packet and smoked two, one after the other. Because I was freaked, everything is changing.

I keep thinking about going home and Im terrified I wont be able to handle it.

I keep imagining situations, like Im at a bar, maybe Ive invited some friends to meet me there, Im there without my G induced safety net. And I imagine that were all standing about having a beer and talking. And I have my friend on one side (with the new person) and DM and maybe H & D on the other, and Im trying to keep it together and be happy and have a laugh, but Im freaking out on the inside.

And another of my old friends is there and she occaisionally sees a look come across my face, a sad look like Im remembering things that have all gone pear shaped. And she comes over and puts a hand on my back and it really helps me and brings me back to the land of the living.

But its still all different and disjointed because Ive missed so much stuff.