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I think a black cloud has been following me for the last few weeks, bleakness all the time.

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I had a big argument with The Fucker that sits opposite me at work yesterday, a big one, it left me shaking and flushed and speechless. I dont like conflict and thats where I lose because The Fucker loves it. He thrives on it. I hate him.

Hes not liked by most people I think, which comes as a surprise to him because he's one of those guys that can't understand why anyone, especially a woman, would'nt like him, but he comes out with the most disgusting things.

One of our managers has tried to ship him off the another dept. Hes fighting tooth and nail to stay, but why?

I heard him talking on the phone to the union rep, our manager is pregnant and I overheard him say

"No, no, I cant speak to her at the moment, Im sure if I spoke to her now I'd surely give her miscarriage"

and that was a big fucking joke to him! I hate him. The Fucker. He did'nt just say it once, he said it a few times to various different people like it was the funniest line anyone had ever thought of. Bastard.

Then he asks me, "Why dont you like me Jo? What can I do to make you like me?"

"Stop breathing" I say

"Well then, now I can see why you never made it as a manager, thats so unprofessional"

The Fucker. I hate him.

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But it doesnt begin and end there, these things should be water off this ducks back, but they're not, because a bleak dark cloud is following Jo around.

Im flying off the handle all the time, things are irritating. The joint efforts of my umbrella and winter coat dont stop me feeling damp all day. G just got a games machine, plays it in tandem with the telly, bloody racing car noises blocking out the sound and all I want is to stare numbly at the box, racing car sounds is all I can hear. Raised eyebrows as I crack it for little or no reason. The cloud made me do it. And The Fucker.

All these little annoying things conspiring to kill the quiet place in my mind where things should get settled and run down my back like the rain off my big black umbrella. But they dont.

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Long ago I had a doctor, he knew me from childhood, my Mum sent me along to him for a "Chat". He asked me "Did you know that almost all the great writers and composers all suffered from depression? I see your studying literature at university" I wondered where he was going with this, but it felt comforting to hear his words. "Chanel it" he said "Chanel it into something good", but what is it? tell me.

I dont want a label on me, I just get angry sometimes, I just have sharp feelings sometimes that need to work their way out. Its not a "Thing" its not a "Diagnosis", its just feelings that work their way up to the surface.

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Then a few years later, my Nan, sent me to the other family GP, she felt that the cloud was becoming a familiar pattern, maybe I needed a little "Something" to help me through "This difficult time". The doc asked me about it and I told him about the chain of events that I thought had set it off, he told me to talk to my family. They wont think its a burden. The he told me about his brother who died of a brain tumour, how his brother didnt want to "burden" them with all his feelings, and how he wished that he could have been "Burdened" with them all.

No happy pills, thank goodness.

And the thought is almost offensive to me.

Imagine someone gave me something to make me stop feeling.

Thats such a horrible thought to me. I like this time, I like it and hate it. To feel like this.

I like to feel like Im getting it out, I like to go AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH. This world is so stupid.

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Im getting less and less tolerant of people like The Fucker these days. Theres no time for them. There's too many things to be done in my life, there's no time to waste with energy sucking, anger generating bastards.

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I dont need happy pills, I just need permission to lose the plot every now and then. But there's no space to feel comfortable, no space to kick and scream and yell and cry and stare into space because I cant explain why its necessary to do that. It just is.