Despite me being hungover I cleaned for two hours and went shopping for "Nice dinner" stuff to cook for when he got home- he called me in the middle of it and called me "His good wee wifey" which was a joke people! and I thought it was funny because who would've thought- me?

So "Social" experiment over. Since I got to Edinburgh and especially after G and I started living together things have been very quiet, and Ive gone on and on and on about how boring my life is etc etc. so last week I made a big effort to go out and this is what I discovered:

Best part: was seeing Richard Ashcroft on Monday night. There was Richard, there was G and the only thing I didnt like about it was that G had his arms round me all night- but I got used to it. Oh and the tall guy who kept standing in front of me. Richard was great! G started rifling through my CD's to find cool stuff afterwards (for a change, yay!) and now we're going to see Teenage Fanclub with some of G's friends (an outing we're organising) and from there-who knows, Im still working on getting him to come and see Tori with me in January.

bad part: Getting drunk and saying stupid stuff. Just getting drunk in general was not good. It happened on Wednesday night after the cinema with Ian and Eugene and again on Friday night- with Ian and Eugene (and others). I discovered that I dont like being drunk anymore and I dont like my friends drunk- especially Sharon, but this is not news to me. Talking to everyone was good and seeing "Bowling for Columbine" and being able to talk to people afterwards about it was great, but the beer was not.

Worst part: The absolute contrast between being out and then coming home to an empty house. I think the weekend was a taste of what it would be like to live on my own like I often feel I have missed out on, and guess what? I hated it. I hated it so much I fell asleep on the couch with the telly on and slept there all night on Friday night because the bedroom was too creepy and quiet. Sitting about on a Saturday arvo with a hangover and not getting sympathy from anyone was also crap. Remembering all the silly things I talked about on Friday night and not having anyone to distract me was disturbing. and on and on.

So Im not the person that I thought I was. I thought the funk I often get in was because I didnt get out enough and because I was missing home too much, but actually I think its because Im too hard on myself about the sort of life I have. I believe in the back of my mind that 26 yr olds should be squeezing the last bit of party out of their lives before they have to stop. However apart being out at Ascension, dressing up, chatting soberly to people and having a dance I didnt much like "Out" and even when I did enjoy myself to come home to an empty place, like I sometimes wish I had previously, was horrible.

So straight edge Jo- who would have thought?

I saw Henry Rollins do a spoken word performance a few years ago and he said (about being straight edge) that he felt, especially after the murder of his best friend Joe Cole, that life was too short to be wasted or hungover all the time, that there are too many things to do and ideas to explore to waste time doing nothing and feeling crap. I guess thats kinda how I feel right now.

Not that I wont feel the need for a few stiff drinks and maybe some sedation when I get home in March.

Also I realise how lucky I am to live in such a supportive environment. Im never alone if I dont want to be. Everything is so comfortable and there is a lot to be said for that. I can also do what I want, G doesnt mind, if I go out by myself he entertains himself.

Y'know I feel so warm and fuzzy now compared to the horrible starkness of being alone on the weekend and I dont want to lose that.

Please remind me of this when I lose the plot again