Yesterday I had a weird hysterical attack of hypochondria.

It was very scary.

I cant really describe what it was about because its too dumb but I was in a terrible state.

Ive only really told one person about this weirdness but I still feel so heavy that I dont think I could ever write a normal entry again if I didnt say something about yesterday.

Diarys are strange that way, Ive started lots of normal diarys before and stopped them because Ive somehow left out something important and without that detail the whole thing was devalued somehow.

So whilst I dont really want to speak of it, I have to mark the "occaision" by saying something, otherwise this whole thing will be over.

I want to say to myself that I think Ive figured it out. Ive been a picture of robot-like self control the last few weeks, then I let myself go somehow and scared myself so much anything could have set it off really. I know that.

Like a volcano waiting to errupt.

Its so dumb, but errupt it did.

Not many people have seen me hysterical before, let see who has? My nan, my mum, Loc, DM, G, I think thats about it.

G was very helpful, he doesnt freak easily and after I managed to breathe deeply a bit and speak about it a bit, he made me a cup of tea and treated me normally which was the best thing for it.

We waited for my eye puffiness to go down and then we did the grocery shopping and dicked around in the supermarket like every Sunday evening (though usually sans eye puffiness).

I realised he's not going to leave me because of the thing I believed Id caused. Which hours earlier was a very real fear of mine.

I still feel weird, but I feel better.

Now Im getting back on my self control kick because it makes me feel comfortable. Im going to shut my ears to all those who think I just need a beer, a good fuck, or those who think Im the most stone faced, pole up the arse person they've ever met.

Because I dont care about any of them.

I just need to be in my safe bubble for a while.

I just need to think coldly and logically for a while.

I just need life to be one thing or the other.