All throughout the year I can kinda pretend that there is nothing outside of Edinburgh, that this is all there is....but not at Christmas. Bah Humbug.

We go to G's family's house at Christmas and they are so, so nice to us. They buy us sooo many pressies and cook for us and stuff.

Even people who dont know me, buy me things- it keeps me in moisturiser and shower gel for a whole year.

And so I feel, dare I say, guilty for wanting to be at home.

I speak to my folks on Christmas eve before I go.

I was on the phone to my Dad and my Nana and my bro for a total of four hours beforehand.

My Dad always plays it down like he hates Christmas anyway, so its no bother.

But this year my Nan told me that he was very down.

She told me a story about how she was in the kitchen one day and Dad came in and he was feeling down about a bowls game being cancelled or something. He sat down at the kitchen table and Nan made him a cup of tea (god, I can see it so clearly) and he said to her- out of the blue:

"I dont suppose I'll ever see Joanne again, I dont think she is ever coming home"

and my Nan said:

"Oh forever is a long long time"

That story broke my heart.

My Dad never uses my name, he always calls me by this little nickname that he's had for me since I was ten.

And I feel so guilty for not being there.

The only thing that makes me feel better is to snuggle up with G and pretend its not happening- which I cant even do at Christmas because we have to sleep in separate beds in G's old room at this folks.

I never start feeling Christmassy until I go to midnight mass on Christmas eve. Im not religious in the classic sense.

I believe in nature as my religion and that all things are connected together, and in cycles of life.

I believe that magic is about establishing your intent within yourself and then you start to act differently or your energy is different. That starts a chain of events that changes things- that is magic, and ritual is there to help establish and connect you with your intent.

I dont believe in God, as such, but I do believe that religion is good for you.

I believe that everyone should feel like there is something bigger than themselves and that you are not alone.

So I go to mass each year.

I used to go with my Nana because she liked the company, being the only religious person in our family.

Then I started going with DM and his family, I must say that I like Anglican mass much better than Catholic mass.

I cant bring myself to kneel in a church that wont accpet women as priests.

Anyway, mass is pretty integral to my Christmas spirit and I go with G's family to catholic mass.

But the church, for god(dess) sake, it looks like a bomb shelter! Its all white concrete inside, with no Christmas decorations and bloody minimalist spotlights! I cant sing under lights, so it kinda sucks.

(Gulit, guilt)

and then we go home and sleep in separate beds and I lie in bed and think of home, stupid things like wanting to buy and do up the house in Northcote that I used to live in- I loved that house.

Think about sitting on the back porch near all our overgrown grass in the backyard, eating a juicy mandarin in the sun and watching Nico stalk though the grass like a minature lioness.

And then I feel guilty for wanting to go home again.

Christmas morning we open our presents, I cant believe how much stuff I get! Ive never seen anything like it, it seems like such a waste.

Then we go to G's cousins house and meet with the rest of the family, and eat and eat and drink and drink and listen to boring conversations about pensions and things that the old folk like to talk about.

We stay there from 1pm to 10pm, hours and hours, and I get the guilts again, for being bored after these strangers have bought me all these gifts and given me the best feed I will have all year.

The we go back to G's parents house for another night in G's old room.

The next day we get up and we have to stay till about 4pm, because their old neighbors come over and G simply must see them before he goes.

This year they called and said they were ill and I thought "Thank goddess" and then I thought about what a malevolent bitch I am because its just 3 days, 3 days out of my year where I have to be unfailingly nice to these people, who are really nice to me.

But, I just cant stand the noise for that long. Im sorry I just cant. The same questions over and over, no one uses there initiative in that house, they ask and ask and N acts like a childish wanker and G says about 5 words in 3 days.

It really gets on top of me, all that company in my face for hours and hours.

And then I come home and upack the stuff and think to myself how lucky I am.

My biggest problem is that all these people love me. My folks, G, G's folks.

and the hardest part is to decide who I want to stay with the most, like choosing between your mum and dad.

You feel guilty either way, you feel guilty for even thinking it.

I wish I could just hibernate through Christmas, then I wouldnt feel like such a selfish little madam every year.

Merry Christmas.