A new project of "Specialised" people within the department needed to clear them.So Ive been doing that for a couple of days, and I actually kind of enjoy it.

Last night I went to Finsternis, a kinda gothic chill-out night with Angus. I had a really excellent time the music was amazing and Angus introduced me to some cool people. He seems to know everyone on the "Scene", its amusing.

Its also really strange how friendly people are here. At home when I went to similiar places, I can name on one hand the amount of strangers that spoke to me over the years. Here everyone is a lot less cliquey- you'd think it would be the opposite.

Everyone goes all out on the dress as well. Its great to see, all these beautifully dressed gothic people. I think even though I grew out of it a lot and even though it can be knda naff, there is nothing more gorgeous than a nicely dressed goth.

Angus introduced me to the most stunning couple I have ever met- Pete and Rebecca, both had really realistic fangs made, and would have been stunning even without them. Rebecca looked like vampirella- Betty Page with fangs. See, usually people who have spent so much time on their look dont tend to speak to "New" people but we sat and chatted for hours. It was really cool.

With all the beautiful people around, I turned to Angus and said

"So who do you have a crush on here"

Hoping to start a conversation about a stunning androgynous guy on the table next to us

Angus said

"Oh, I dont have a crush on anyone, but I do have a very big soft spot for someone here"

completely innocently, I said

"who?" (looking around trying the guess who it might be)

"You stupid"

I am stupid, because I never see these things coming.

"Oh Angus, thats really sweet, like really, like I dont know what to say, I have a soft spot for you too, but like, Im kinda tied up just now"

like, like, bad choice of words.

Im such an idiot.

I wish that had never come up, honestly its been so nice just to go and hang out in gothy fantasy world with him as my "mate" and now I kinda feel like thats ruined.

Id like to say, hey big deal people get crushes on people everyday, but having been in this situation before a long time ago. It makes me kinda sad.

Ages and ages ago one of my male friends developed a crush on me that was not reciprocated, and it was kind off a joke to everyone. Not to me, but y'know, I couldnt change the way I felt.

So anyway, because of this lack of reciprocation, this particular group of friends eventually turned on me, branding me "Cock tease". They felt really sorry for the crush guy.

Angus really reminds me of one of those friends that turned on me at the time, not the crush guy, the crush guys friend Ro who was my good friend for years and years. They have the same sort of mannerisms and I have the same friendly affection for Angus that I had for Ro. but nothing more.

Anyway, I think they thought that I had grown out of them a bit and that it would'nt matter if they hated me for a bit.

But it did matter, I had no idea they felt that way until an ill fated night when they all sat about in the presence of Marc and proceeded to backstab me for a few hours prior to me getting there for beers as had been arranged peviously.

Marc suggested that we go out and top up the beer supply and when we were in the car he told me how they all felt about me.

We decided to drive to Marc's house instead of going back with the beers- and we never saw them again.

I guess they thought that I wouldnt care how they felt, but I did, I cried myself to sleep many a time and it left a bitter feeling in my heart.

Speaking to my brother (who is still friends with them now) he told me not too long ago that everyone was over it now and that they werent angry at me anymore.

Well, nice of them to tell me.

Y'know, when you stop being mad at people, especially when they have no idea what they did in the first place to make you that way, its usually helpful if you say something, because people- especially people like me- carry that stuff around with them all the time.

Where is all this going?

Well Im just worried that through my stupidity over not noticing Gus' soft spot, maybe I will hurt his feelings and leave a bitter feeling in his heart.

Maybe he will miscontrue my friendly affection for him and think Im a "Cock tease".

Maybe he wont care at all.

I dunno, what happened to easy friends.