Had a really great evening with Marc on Friday, talked about many things, not least of which is the strange panic attack I experienced on Thursday night.

I mean I get myself in a tizz quite often but this time I honestly thought that if it was to go on for a couple more hours I might actually die.

What I imagined in boring marriage world in Edinburgh for a lifetime flashed before my eyes for hours amid furious hyperventilating and streaking tears. The only thing that consoled me finally was imagining that I would at least earn enough money to send my Dad a ticket to visit me once a year.

This is all too depressing even typing this right now.

Marc suggested I shop around for some counselling when I get back as it helped him a lot recently when he finally found a couseller to suit him.

Then, like she was sent from heaven, Deb came to meet me for coffee and Willi festival on Saturday and talked me into believing that events were random and even if I thought I had so much control over my life that I would even bore myself- this infact is not even remotely true! She said that she felt like I had, from the outset, been gravitating toward a comfy life and its nothing to be scared of. There are options, so many options and not all of them are as painful as you think, she said.

So I had a bit of a cry on the park bench near the water- Deb gave me tissues and we went to see the lovely Al and Hans in the lantern parade.

Directly after this Deb left to go to a friends birthday party in Dandenong and gave me a lift home. Faced with the prospect of sitting and watching The Bill with my grandparents on a Saturday night, I decided to give Darren a call had have some beers with him and Danny.

There were belly laughs a-plenty, until about 3am, but when I got home I was too scared to try and sleep.

I consoled myself with the idea that G would be ringing me the next day as promised and finally dropped off around 5am.

Spent the whole day Sunday in bed, not sleeping, just dozing and avoiding everyone. The few times I did venture out of my room my Nan followed me everywhere I went asking me inane and nosey questions about everyone I know.

G didnt call.

At about 6am I headed off to my friend Chimene's place. We met in Edinburgh and this was the first time we had spoken in 2 years.

Chams brother (who had also been in Edinburgh) had brought back his Scottish girlfriend to Australia and they have been here for a year, so Cham had lots of insights into the whole issue that I tie myself in knots with, it was really good seeing her.

Now Im just home.