After an email from Deb, a phone conversation with Marc and my Dad, Im feeling better in some ways than my last entry.

Im also feeling a lot worse, but I think its all hormones. Im having the worst period ever.

The weekend was good. I stayed home most of friday night on my own, waiting for G to get back from his work night out. Drank a bottle of wine, ate some chocolate and watched whatever I wanted on telly. But fell asleep during Secret Life.

Saturday, worked as always then went to a "Garden party" in the middle of nowhere, celebrating the birthday of one of G's workmates. It was good except I had to rehash the story of me being here over and over. This was distressing considering that Im starting to hurt about leaving here.

Sunday, phoned home, spoke to my Nanna and my Dad, who is moving in with his girlfriend this weekend. This is great news because they seem really happy.

Had a great conversation with Marc. He told me a story about driving in his car the other day fantasising about the two of us going to see bands when I get home. That warmed my heart.

I had a bad hangover though, so I ended up missing the most glorious weather of the year. Which really annoyed me.

Then the crippling womb-pain started.

I havent written in Winterland for ages now, I feel a bit exposed at the moment.

Last night I asked G for something to wear in bed to cover myself up and he gave me an old pair of shorts.

It feels kinda like that. Exposed. In daggy shorts.

Sharon emailed me today. After she when psycho on me the last time (eight months ago?) we havent spoken at all. We sit a few desks and a partition away from each other, so thats an impressive feat.

She said she missed me and asked if I wanted to go for coffee.

I said I missed her too and yes.

Thats kind of a lie because I only ever miss her when I see her, when Im waiting at the photocopier or something. The rest of the time I dont miss her at all.

I worry about my lack of feeling sometimes. Then I worry about feeling too much.

I got a haircut too. Its interesting. I started off dying it but it turned out much darker than it was supposed to. I dyed it just to look a bit shinier and more even- it was supposed to be close to my natural colour- Dark brown. Its black, black, black. Now I look sick if I dont wear makeup. The next day I went to get my fringe trimmed and I had a different hairdresser than usual. I think she was a student because she didnt seem to have a clue what she was doing and her hands shook. She cut my fringe pretty short and its jagged.

I look very goth.

A few years ago I would be over-joyed but at the time of walking out of the salon I wanted to kill that girl. I have a straight family wedding on the weekend.

Though, the more I look at my jagged fringe the more I like it :)

Im off to listen to some Sisters of Mercy now.

......"I dont exist when you dont see me".....

hee