Of course, most of it is lived out in my head, and none of it you can quite put your finger on, which is why its hard to convey in print. And so I havent really been trying.

Its was upsetting gifty time again, when my Nanna sent me a cheque for £200 because I "Simply must take a trip to Paris before I come home".

I totally agree, but I didnt expect her to pay for it.

I felt embarrased, but utterly happily overwhelmed by the gesture. Now I have to make sure I have a great time there.

Im guessing this will be a bit difficult as G and I are having some problems at the moment.

Again nothing I can put my finger on, just that nagging feeling you get in your heart when you know you're losing someone.

We've been bickering about tons of meaningless shit, most of which I think is about preparing for the big day when Im outta here.

But its not actually about that, if you catch my drift. Its about leaving dishes in the sink and mundane stuff like that, but never the real issue at hand.

I would bring it up with him, but Im not sure if I could take another conversation about it and G is preoccupied by N's illness and so I dont want to burden him further.

Im worried, though, that when the time comes Im going to be leaving here with a sense of relief, to be away from that. You wouldnt believe the sort of guilt that makes me feel.

Everything else in life is completely ace. Im the flavour of the month again at work, friends keep popping outta the woodwork to invite me to things and the sun is shining- which hardly ever happens.

Its so good, I dont want to leave, and so I cant bring myself buy my ticket at the moment. Thinking about it feels like physical pain in the guts and heart.

The rest of my time is taken up by fantasising about Finnish rockstars- who Im going to see at the metal fest next week.

Im sure thats not helping my relationship one iota.