So big cries at work and a kindly workflow facilitator held my hand in the ladies for a while and talked and let me go home.

Sorry to those who bore witness to my mini breakdown.

Im sorry to everyone really, for everything.

The lengths of human kindness really do amaze me sometimes and it makes me feel so ungrateful and crap. Im sucking up all the love in the world and no one else can have some.

Maybe Im a bit selfish too.

The word "Devastated" keeps getting thrown round a lot. Im genuinely surprised that Im capable of causing that level of damage to someones psyche and it hurts, man, it hurts.

I called my Nan for some support only to have her tell me that my Auntys secret reation to me not immediately settling down with G and living happily ever after was:

"I dont know what that girl's playing at"

Well, who does really? Least of all me. What the fuck am I playing at?

Its a mystery. If I wrote down for you the central parts of my life, the map of it would look like some kind of paradise world. Im well liked at work, I have the most lovely, sweet, kind, beautiful friends, my boyfriend is positively saintly and dotes on me like Im a princess and I live in a pretty cool town. Any number of people would happily swap with me and yet I feel like something is missing and I dont know what it is.

Ive had this conversation before, except I was sitting opposite thinking "You have everything and still want more. What the fuck are you playing at?"

In the long run I guess that one all worked out for the best. Fingers crossed for this one.

Although, seriously, what the fuck am I playing at?